by Mercedes Lawry

I liked Johnny enough. Enough was all any of us dreamed of. There was nothing to understand about what might have filled our hearts.

It was the hottest summer. Everyone said so. Sweat everywhere. All day we slipped inside our clothes. And at night, we made love, feeling like fish, coated and glistening. Johnny and I made love outside on the roof, with the stars. Almost, we could imagine a breeze. I'd learned early how to make things inside my head.

Cha Cha and Karen had a big fight. Everybody heard it up and down the street. It was more than anger, it was hate that blew up and scattered like rain. People went inside, even with the heat. Not Aunt Jolly, though. She liked it, relished it, sitting on her stoop, catching it all like it was candy from a parade.

Later Johnny had to go and talk to Cha Cha. They were close. I waited two, three hours, then fell asleep. They'd be deep in the beer. Talking about being kids and what really mattered, forget Karen, forget that shit, Johnny would say. Cha Cha would say the same about me if the tables were turned. But Cha Cha would go back with Karen in the morning.

Everybody was still scared of the dark.

I was living with my sister, Andrea, then. She stayed with Zach, but pretended she was independent, with her own place. I got the apartment alone most of the time. Johnny came when he was in the mood. I hated it, but I let him. It was too much trouble not to.

Johnny worked for some guys on Prescott Ave. I told him I didn't want to hear, but he told me anyway. He was a smartass about it, the easy money. "Just as easy for you to be shot someday," I said. "Don't be a bitch," Johnny answered. "I don't see you paying for the beer."

He was right. I didn't pay for anything. I couldn't find a job. I worked for Mr. Tumpa in his store for a couple of weeks, but then he got his nephew. There's nothing I want do to anyway. Sometimes I watch Nila's kids. She lives upstairs. But she doesn't have money either and usually I say forget it, I don't mind. I just watch TV anyway - it's nothing to be paid for.

Johnny stayed till summer was over. I didn't expect anything else. He bought a car and said he wasn't coming back. I knew it. He didn't have to say it. Andrea said I should've asked him to take me. I told her she was a fool. I don't belong out there. Johnny could fake it, he knew tricks. I didn't know that stuff, didn't want to. It was a fight out there and it used you up. Still, these streets used you up. There wasn't any difference I could see. Everybody gets used up.

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